Hurrah! I finally have internet in my house. Whoooo. Although I have to say, landlords are really moody lazy people. But, I finally have everything sorted in my house. Now all I need to do is find a remotely better job - which shouldn't be hard to compete with considering my job now is awful - and then I will be content and happy. c:

Aside from that, I am still writing my fourth chapter. Hopefully it'll be finished sometime soon so it can get proof read and posted up. Having a bit of trouble finding time and inspiration though :c I'm so pre occupied with everything else I hardly ever get time to spend just lazing around on my own anymore!

Erm... anything else? I have nothing to write about, it's stupid. Not like anyone ever actually reads this but oh well. It keeps me entertained for a good few minutes at least! 

Hmm.. yeah, that;'s about it. 

c:

I'm still alive. But my Landlord is rubbish so I have no internet. Which is actually really really crap. But oh well.

I'll be writing if he ever decides to be a nice human being and actually do something landlord related. Like sorting out my house!

nkvgreign

Hopefully I'll be finishing/posting Chapter 4 of my new story on fanfiction soon. When I get round to it!

Sooo haven't had time to write or do anything in freaking ages! I've got one more week left and I shall officially be a qualified hairdresser. Except.. now I don't want to be a hairdresser, now my head decides I've spent another two years in education for something I don't even want to do. NOW my head decides, lets do something a bit more intelletual like.. I don't know.. Business administration? Just as I start looking for a job in a salon and getting motivated. So now I'm lost on what I want to do, I certainly don't want to spend another year in McDonalds.. I don't want to be there in the next month if I can help it. But I don't know where to turn or how to find a job that I'm interested in as I'm having a gap year from education.

On the plus side... I am flying the nest and moving out sometime within the next week.. hopefully.. if landlord man decides to get in contact with me and give me a key. AND I am going on holiday on 1st July YAY! Hopefully I might get time to write within the next.. week and a bit? No one seems to review anymore, is that just not what people do these days? I keep getting emails about people adding my story to alerts and favourtie lists, but no comments on the story. I need opinions to help me move forward people, otherwise I don't know where I'm going wrong!

Hmm.. apart from that, all is well I guess. I'm trying my hardest to begin to make things go back to normal and be so agrophobic in my old social group, but I can't help it at the moment. It all brings back memories that I don't want to rememeber. I don't want to be affected by these things but I know the only reason why its affecting me now is because of my amazing ability to sweep things under the carpet and stick my head in the sand hoping I never have to face up to these things. I can't wait to go on holiday to get away from work, and college, and England, and every damn thing else.

If anyone reads this thing or stumbles across it somehow, read my story...?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3756232/1/A_Battle_of_Land_and_Sea

Clicky?

c:

Twenty-four hours ago I was happy, and thought that everything in my life was fine. It was as good as everything could be. I knew where I was, and even though there was that sickly feeling that something was wrong in the pit of my stomach, I somehow managed to at least for a moment, put it to one side and just feel happy. And I did, for some hours.

Twenty-four hours ago I was blissfully living my life in ignorance. 

And now I'm not.

It feels like all of my inner self has been sliced out of me and I'm left with an empty shell. I'm just a piece of meat, devoid of any emotions or thoughts, apart from every now and then I get the horrible stabbing jolts when certain realities come all at once. The pain that's knotted up so tight in the pit of my stomach so that I feel physically sick so that I can't eat or sleep. I feel disgusted. I feel like why the fuck do I have a sign on my head saying 'Treat me like a piece of shit, I don't deserve any better'. 

My worst fear has become a reality, and I have no idea how to deal with this. There's no amount of thinking, no amount of time that's ever going to let me forget this. I'm so sick of crying, my eyes and head hurt so fucking much. I wish I felt anger and hate so that it would make things so much simpler and I wouldn't have to be this empty shell of a person right now. I wish I could just do anything to forget the past year of emotions and the yearnings that I had. Everywhere I turn its always in my face. It's scarred for life on my fucking foot and its always going to be there mocking me.. Showing me that once again I'm not worth respect. That when I'm not there I'm simply forgotten.

'Remember karma'.

Those words were said to me quite a long time ago and that I haven't thought of in a long time. Karma. The idea of cause and effect. And even though right now I feel so tortured and helpless over the whole situation, deep down inside of me I can't help but feel... elated. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders somehow. It feels like the thing I've been scared of for so long, has come in its worst and most ugly form... and I'm still here. It's been, and most importantly, it's gone. For so many months now my head has been tortured with such bad thoughts as if it has been building me up for such a situation, as if I knew somewhere along the line it would happen.

My recent insecurities all come from the same place- my own guilt. Last year I went down a road of self destruction, but somehow that wasn't good enough for me, so I ended up hurting others. Hurting people who also classed me as a 'friend' before I completely destroyed their lives. It's like a distorted reflection of what I did in the past. Something I have never, ever forgiven myself for. Something that made me feel physically sick and so damn ashamed of, and I guess that never went away. I guess that went deep down inside of me and came out in the form of insecurity, of preparing myself for the worst. Karma. And now it looks like I've well and truely had my punishment for my past. Everything I ever feared would happen has, every bad thing that someone could throw in my way has possibly already happened before at some point in my past. I'm not even sure if there's any other way someone could abuse me, so somehow, in a weird and twisted sense.. It makes me feel glad that it happened. It makes me feel like I don't need to be afraid anymore.

I feel like now I have got to the point where I don't have to punish myself anymore, I don't have to have these insecurities that haunt me day in and day out. I've seen this from both sides and neither is nice, except I'm not going to make the same mistakes that others have. It takes two, there are two people in the wrong here. And even though it feels like I am blaming myself, I realise I'm not. I'm forgiving myself. 

Because I finally feel free from guilt. And I'm strong enough to start to forgive others.

Oh my good lord, I am so having one of those 'I'm never drinking again!!!!' mornings. Eugh, I'm nursing the worst freaking hangover in history! And quite possibly was the worst drunk possible. Wine is my weakness and my enemy, and somehow I thought it would be a good idea to drink a bottle to myself, then share another with a friend. Big mistake.

There was vomit everywhere! I threw up on the floor in the bar I was in. It was in my shoes, on my clothes, in my hair. In my bed beside me when I woke up this morning. Just sat there all crusty and staring me in the face until I felt like a complete fool. Well... that was when I realised what it was. My memory was a little hazy when I woke up this morning, so my initial thought went something along the lines of 'Why is there crushed moltesers in my bed?' If only it was, Sarah. If only...

So what have I learn from this experience? (As I know certain parents may give me a lecture about it later) Well... never drink a stupid amount of wine in the one place where you always go and the staff know who you damn well are! My god the staff are going to put a bounty over my head! It makes things worse that my friends grabbed me and made a quick exit after they saw the amount of sick everywhere. 

Oh my god... ARGH! 

I'm such an idiot. :c

I'm starting to think that I should stay sober until my 20th, which is in five weeks YAY! But then it's my friends 21st next friday, and my brothers 22nd the week after... and I've been invited out. And I hate drunk people when I'm sober. Eugh, I'm becoming the thing I hate! So anyway, the moral of the story is don't drink wine, don't throw up, and don't do stupid things. Have self restraint. I have such a mess to clean up... I am so glad I don't have work today!

So, I feel that our college prides itself for having services available for young adults with any sexual or emotional problems that they may have. So much so, that I found myself seeing a big poster in the canteen today which read the following:

'69% of our students always have safe sex'

Now, is it just me but... is that a really awfully low statistic? 69% means that 31% of students don't, and to me that is really quite low. Having done my A Levels and attended one of the best public schools in the town that I live, I find myself shocked by some of the people who attend college with me. Yeah, it's my bad for not deciding to go to uni and conform to everyone wanting a high paying career... I've always wanted to be a hairdresser, and I knew the girls may be a bit common and bitchy... but seriously.

Since September pregnancy and chlamidia has being going round hairdressing students like the common cold. There's about 60 students on my course, maybe less, and so far I know four who are pregnant, three who have been pregnant within the last year and either lost/aborted their unborn child, and three who have had some sort of STI. I also knew a girl who at 16 and having been sexually active since she was 13, had never once used protection. And these are all girls who are in the age range of 16-18. Nice..

Perhaps I watch too much Jeremy Kyle, and since I'm a few years older than everyone on my course, maybe I'm not as 'cool' as them or whatever. But how hard is it to use a damn condom? Or possibly to spend less time on their backs? I don't mean to sound stereotypical, but I know quite a lot of them who are sleeping with more than one person at the same time and don't even think about the consequences. It's so wrong, and its even worse to see that the college seems oh so proud by that pathetic statistic. And the stupid thing is, majority of people who probably took the poll and had had unprotected sex may have lied anyway.

Eugh, it sounds so much like its going back to school. But seriously, I'm actually thinking that possibly in college they should have some sort of sex education system. I thought it was just common sense and maybe it didn't happen like that in real life. But I was wrong. So damn wrong.

I am so annoyed today, and so fed up of college. I feel like my IQ and maturity has dropped so much since I started college. Today I started to read in my break and my college friends seemed so shocked that I actually read... just as shocked as I was that they still thought reading was 'uncool' and something to be frowned upon. They actually gave me a hard time for reading! Needless to say I responded by saying that they should try expanding their horizons and maybe read a few things once in a while as it may improve their intellect and intelligence. There's more to life than boys, bitching and going out. Jesus...

Eugh, I feel so old! I can't wait until I'm fully qualified so I don't have to feel like I'm back at school all the time. Nine more weeks to be fully qualified... nine more weeks....

How do you forgive the people that have hurt you most?

Why is it always the bad things that shape us into the person we are, rather than the good?

How do you let go of the one thing that always comes back to haunt you?

How do you stop those negative voices in your head?

I think I'm at a crossroad in my life, I need to move on from everything that's happened in my past in order to continue with my life. But when you remember something really bad that happened in your past, something that happened within the very walls of your home, by the people that are supposed to love you, how are you ever supposed to just move on? Just get up and leave. Forgive and forget. 

And I really am at a stage where I need to move on, otherwise it'll destroy me. It'll destroy everything that I have and that I am. I've been carrying on within my own comfort zone for far too long, walking on the safe side rather than into the unknown. I hate change, and I know that's what needs to be done. Change.. the thing that scares me the most. 

Fear and love are the strongest emotions there are, and the hardest to overcome. 

How do you know which is the right path to choose when there are so many routes set out in front of you? And the ones I need to take are the hardest routes to cross.

I feel like now is time for a change, and to have a clean slate so I decided to make a new LJ account. I've had my other account since 2004 and it got so depressing so I figure I should start a new one. New LJ, new musings, new me. 

I'm trying to take a new look on life to maybe help me feel better within myself and how others percieve me. I feel like I'm growing and changing at the moment, hopefully in a good way, so instead of being a cynical pessimist, I'm going to try a thing called 'optimism'. I've never much been fond of this whole 'The grass is always greener on the other side', or 'every cloud has a silver lining' and many other fluffy, happy cliche's that some people seem to carry with them so easily. It's such an alien thing.. actually not expecting the worst. This... optimism...

I find it strange how one moment in someones life can affect each and every person differently. Fight or flight. If a group of people had the same experience, there could be lots of different reactions to just that one moment. Some of us fight against things. Some of us hide away from it. Others just carry on and put it behind them like a pair of old shoes. Others may dwell and worry about it, letting it affect our future experiences.

How are we supposed to define what a 'strong' person is? It's something most people hope to be, but really, how do we know what it is? No one likes to be called weak or fragile, no one likes to be helpless. But then, is the person who is cold towards a certain situation any stronger than someone who dwells and worries? Perhaps the strength comes from the ability to brush things off so simply without giving a second thought when there has been a bad moment. But then, does bottling everything up and sweeping things under the carpet really make you any stronger? And are you really weak if you embrace the moment, feel all the hurt and deciet that you're going through? I'm not sure. Because, facing up to that fear, allowing those bad things to actually hurt you and walk around with it for the rest of your life hoping that you can learn from it, in my eyes is probably something that makes people stronger. 

Every experience shapes us into the people we grow to become. Maybe we do need to embrace the pain in order to learn, and if we don't then we're just being ignorant and denying ourselves of become a better person. Of growing. So really, isn't being weak actually quite a strong thing?